Sex and the new dad
How long do we have to wait before having sex again?
Doctors and midwives advise that you wait four to six weeks after the birth of your baby. The uterus and cervix undergo significant changes during childbirth, and they need time to heal. During this healing phase the lining of the uterus, especially the site where the placenta was attached, is susceptible to infection. Intercourse, tampons, and anything placed in the vagina may introduce bacteria and cause an infection. The flow of lochia, which is a sign that the lining is healing, can last from three to eight weeks. When the lochia flow is no longer bright red, it signals that healing is near completion, and it's probably safe to have intercourse again. However, if your partner is healing from an episiotomy or vaginal tear, you'll need to wait longer still. She'll find out at her first postpartum exam (usually four to six weeks after delivery) whether she has the green light for sex.
But just because you can't have intercourse doesn't mean that you have to rule out intimacy altogether. Oral sex and other forms of "outercourse" like masturbation are safe a few days after delivery. If your mate has stitches from an episiotomy or vaginal tear, be sure you avoid contact with that area in order not to disrupt the healing. While you may be concerned that the bacteria in your mouth could increase your partner's risk of infection, you needn't worry as long as the stimulation is strictly external (in other words, stick to the area around the clitoris). Stay away from the vagina and the perineum and everything should be fine.
Even if you're not up for sexual activity, it's still important to stay physically connected to each other through hugs, kisses, massages, or just holding hands.
For more advice on sexual activities that are safe in the first few postpartum weeks, click here.
Is it true we don't need to worry about birth control for now?
Absolutely not — unless you're ready for another baby! While it's true a woman isn't fertile immediately after birth, especially if she's nursing, it's impossible to predict how long this stage will last. Although she may not menstruate for months after giving birth, her body usually releases its first postpartum egg before she gets her period. So she won't know that she's ovulated until about two weeks later. And if you're playing birth-control roulette, that's two weeks during which you might have hit the jackpot.
Those carefree days during pregnancy when you didn't need to think about birth control are definitely over, so do put some time into figuring out what type of contraception will work for you. Chances are your mate's healthcare practitioner will bring up the topic of contraception at her first postpartum checkup (usually four to six weeks after delivery) — a good time for her to get refitted for a diaphragm, pick up a new Pill prescription, or discuss other options. But it's a good idea to check out contraception choices before you show up for your first postpartum checkup so you'll be prepared to make a decision if you need to have a prescription filled.
We've gotten the green light for sex, but my wife doesn't seem to be into it. Am I doing something wrong?
Reality check: There can be a huge gap between physical and emotional readiness for intimacy. Even if it's been six weeks, even if your partner's been told she can go ahead and have sex again, she may not be ready. She may be afraid of pain, she may need more time, and she may just be exhausted. Your best bet: Give her some space, lots of affection, and no pressure. A few well-placed compliments won't hurt either.
And don't hesitate to put yourself in your partner's shoes: She may have barely regained her strength from giving birth, and now she's giving what energy she has to the baby. If she's breastfeeding, her body is constantly in demand, and even if she's not, taking care of a newborn is an intensely physical job. Finally, don't forget that during the recent miracle of your baby's birth, your partner spent several hours with the most private parts of her body on display to a roomful of nurses, midwives, and doctors.
"After giving birth, a woman may feel like her body is not her own, and she will want to reestablish some boundaries," says Judith Steinhart, a certified sex therapist. "Sex can seem like one more demand, meeting one more person's needs."
As your partner adjusts to a whole new role, she may have little energy left at the moment for physical loving. But that doesn't mean she loves you any less. In fact, many couples find the period after childbirth very romantic, if not very sexual.
How can I woo my wife back into the mood?
Wooing is exactly the right approach; you need to romance your wife almost as if you were dating again. In a sense, she's not the same person you drove to the hospital a month or two ago. She's still your wife, but now she's also a mother. And while you both love each other, you're each going through the process of falling in love with a whole new person that you created together.
These can be bewildering, enchanting, and exhausting times — for both of you. While your partner's hormones and her body are doing things they've never done before, you're both coping with sleep deprivation and adjusting to the joys and stresses of your new addition.
So if you're ready to get intimate and she's not, courtship is key. Keep things simple at first. Start with cuddling, since this may be all that either of you has the energy to handle. Remind her that you find her attractive, and make her feel like a woman, not just a mother It may take time to resume some normalcy, but sex will be part of your lives again. Really.
We're ready for the big night. Anything I should know?
Remember to take things slowly, find a comfortable position, and let your partner control the pace. She may still be sore, or afraid of any pain. And don't forget about foreplay: Not only is it fun, but it enhances lubrication. Postpartum women tend to be rather dry during sex, even more so if the baby is nursing. So don't assume she's not turned on, but do use some lubricant, such as K-Y Jelly or Astroglide to ease any awkwardness or discomfort.
One other thing: Be prepared for your baby to interrupt your first forays into sexual intimacy. Whether it's naptime or the middle of the night, assume the baby will wake up crying at exactly the wrong time. But don't let this deter you from making another date to make love. Welcome to the world of parenting.
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