Socialization
How does your baby learn about his connection to other people? When does he start making friends? It all starts with you, his parents. You are your child's first playmates, his favorite people. He delights at the sound of your voices, the sight of your faces, and the touch of your hands. With your help, your baby will become familiar with others and begin to enjoy their company, too. This is the beginning of the development of your child's social skills.
When it develops
From the moment he's born, your baby will respond to others. His ability to socialize will be largely limited to you during his first year, as he focuses most of his efforts on discovering what he can do on his own — like grabbing and picking up objects, walking, and other skills.
Around the time he turns 2, your child will begin to enjoy playing interactively with other children. As with any other skill, he'll need some trial and error to polish his social skills. At first, he'll be unable to share his toys, but as he learns to empathize with others he'll become a better playmate. By age 3, he'll be well on his way to making friends.
How it develops
1 month
Your baby is a social creature from the get-go. He loves to be touched, held, and cooed and smiled at. As early as the first month, your child will begin to experiment with making faces at you. He'll enjoy watching your face and may even mimic some of your gestures. Stick out your tongue and watch as he does the same.
3 months
Now your baby will spend many of his waking hours watching what goes on around him. He'll even flash his first genuine smile, a momentous event for most parents. Soon he'll be an expert at "smile talk," starting an interaction with you by sending a smile your way and gurgling at the same time.
4 months
Your baby is becoming more open to new people at this age, greeting them with squeals of glee. Still, no one comes close to Mom and Dad. Your baby will reserve his most enthusiastic reaction for you, a sure sign that you've bonded.
7 months
For the most part, your little guy is far too busy honing his skills to be really engaged with another child. When two babies under 1 are put next to each other with a set of toys, they usually play side by side but not with each other.
Your baby may start to take a fleeting interest in other babies now that he's more mobile. Most of the interaction will be limited to a glance and a grab, but once in a while he'll smile and coo or imitate another baby's sounds.
He still prefers his immediate family to all others. He may even begin to be afraid of unfamiliar people and struggle with separation anxiety.
12 months
Toward the end of his first year, your child may begin to seem antisocial — crying when you leave his side or anxious when he's in the arms of someone other than you or your partner. Many kids go through separation anxiety, which peaks sometime between 10 and 18 months. Your child will prefer you to the exclusion of others and may be distressed when you're not around. Sometimes only your presence will calm him.
13 to 23 months
Your toddler is interested in the world — in particular, how everything in it relates to him. As he learns to talk and communicate with others, he'll also learn to make friends. He'll enjoy the company of other kids now, both his age and older. Between ages 1 and 2, however, he'll be fiercely protective of his toys, which can be hard for parents who think their child should be learning to share.
You may notice your child imitating his friends and spending lots of time watching what they do. He'll also want to assert his independence — by refusing to hold your hand when you walk down a street, for example, or by throwing a tantrum when you tell him he can't carry the grape juice into the bedroom.
24 to 36 months
Between the ages of 2 and 3, your child is likely to be pretty self-centered. He's not very interested in putting himself in other people's shoes, and he assumes that everyone feels the way he does. Don't worry. As he gets older, he'll learn how to share and take turns, and he may even end up with one or two special friends.
What comes next
As your child grows, he'll enjoy and gravitate toward other people, especially other children. He'll learn more about how to respond to others in social situations, and his enjoyment of his playmates will grow. He'll gain a tremendous amount from watching and interacting with other children. Once he learns how to empathize with other children and how much fun it is to have playmates, he'll develop true, lasting friendships.
Your role
Spend plenty of face-to-face time with your baby, especially in the first few months. He'll love the attention and will enjoy making faces with you. Invite friends and relatives over. Babies love visitors, young and old alike, especially when they're all making a fuss over him.
Don't be upset or embarrassed if your child develops stranger anxiety. It's perfectly normal, beginning at around 7 months.
If your baby cries when you put him in a relative's arms, take him back and try a slow desensitization process. Let him be comfortable in your arms while the other person is around. Then, have the individual talk and play with your child while you hold him. Then, hand him over to the other person for a short time and stay close. Finally, try to leave the room for a few minutes and see how it goes. If your child bawls, try again later.
"Go in and out of the room, and eventually your child will be secure in the knowledge that even though you're not around at the moment, you'll always return shortly," says pediatrician David Geller.
Your toddler can benefit from having peers around, so arrange playdates with other kids. Make sure you have plenty of toys for everyone, though, because they might not be up to sharing with one another.
While being self-centered is perfectly natural for your 2- or 3-year-old, it's not too soon to set an example of good social behavior for him. Let him hear you say "please" and "thank you" and compliment someone on a job well done. Let him see you share your dessert or your newspaper. Sign your child up for playgroups or classes so he gets a chance to be with other kids. Soon he'll learn how to make and keep friends.
When to be concerned
If your baby seems uninterested in relating to anyone except you and your partner by the time he's 1, no matter how much effort you put into drawing him out, or if he doesn't even want to interact with you, talk to his doctor.
Your toddler (1 to 3 years old) may become unfriendly to other children, especially over toys. (He may even become a mini Count Dracula, biting his playmate as he explores what he can do with his teeth.)
If he seems overly aggressive and is incapable of spending time with other children without biting, hitting, or pushing them, you may want to discuss these behaviors with his pediatrician. (Behavior like this often arises out of fears or insecurities.) While all kids become unfriendly occasionally, it's unusual for them to be aggressive all the time.
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