Fatherhood Tips

Fatherhood Tips

Early pregnancy For many men, becoming a parent is a life-altering transition.
You can prepare for the role of fatherhood by learning more about
how to care for your newborn and support your partner as she recovers
from childbirth and you all settle in at home with the new baby.

A BabyCenter tour for expectant dads

Face your fears

Worries about becoming a dad are perfectly natural. Get some straight talk from a clinical psychologist on the seven fears expectant fathers face.
Recognize the social and cultural barriers you're up against. A family therapist advises you on how to challenge the five myths of fatherhood.

Can we talk sex — and other essentials?

Fatherhood expert and author Armin Brott gives the lowdown on:

How your sex life will change during pregnancy (ouch!)
The ten things about new fatherhood that will surprise you the most

Get ready for the big day

We know you're eager to get the show on the road, but you need a bit more preparation before you become a dad:

Check our tips on how to fully share in your significant other's pregnancy.
When you and your partner are ready to settle on a name, visit our Baby Names Finder to search for names by meaning, by origin, by first letter, or by popularity. Learn how to pick a baby name and browse our baby name inspiration lists.
Ready for the big day? In case your mind was wandering during childbirth class, we have a cheat sheet with the essentials of labor and delivery. And don't miss our ten indispensable tips for labor coaches.
Print out a helpful list of what to bring to the hospital.
Finally, after your beautiful baby arrives, you'll need to find the best way to announce it to the world.

The money thing

If you're lucky, you might even get paternity leave. Before then — and before the inevitable sleepless nights arrive — you may want to take time to figure out how you'll meet those astronomical college bills looming just around the corner. We'll help you chart your family's financial future with these guides:

family finances
college savings
choosing insurance
creating a will

Still feeling lost?

Sometimes it's nice to hear from other dads in the same boat. Visit our Dads Only Community Group, where dads and dads-to-be can swap stories and advice.


A childbirth cheat sheet for dads-to-be

One of the best ways to prepare for childbirth — an eye-opening experience for most of us — is to accompany your wife or partner to a childbirth education class. Almost all hospitals and birth centers hold sessions, and parents are usually given the option of attending two or three short evening sessions or one long daytime session. For me, the class was a great introduction to the big event, still several weeks off for us.

We decided to attend a one-day childbirth preparation class at our hospital (Alta Bates in Berkeley, California) rather than attend an offsite class, where the emphasis is more likely to be on natural childbirth. I'll confess up front that I thought 80 percent of the class would be about breathing exercises. Not quite.

We immediately hit it off with our instructor, Janaki Costello, a certified doula, childbirth educator, and board-certified lactation consultant. Here are the ten key lessons she passed along:

1. Recognize the onset of true labor
Late in their pregnancy, most women will experience false labor — Braxton Hicks contractions that may start out strong but taper off and then stop after a while. Look for these signs, among others, that your wife is experiencing the real deal:

Her water may break, resulting in a trickle or a gush of fluid. When the amniotic sac (also called the bag of waters) breaks, 80 percent of women will spontaneously go into labor within 12 hours. Keep in mind, though, that contractions usually start before her water breaks.
Persistent lower back pain, especially if your partner also complains about a crampy, premenstrual feeling.
Contractions that occur at regular and increasingly shorter intervals and become longer and stronger in intensity.
She passes the mucus plug, which blocks the cervix. This isn't necessarily a sign that labor is imminent — it could still be several days away — but, at the very least, it indicates that things are moving.

2. Know how to time the contractions
Make sure your watch has a readable second hand, and time your wife's contractions from the beginning of one contraction to the beginning of the next. If they're eight to 10 minutes apart and last 30 to 45 seconds each, your partner is likely in early labor. Your doctor or midwife can help you make the decision over the phone about when to come in. As a general rule-of-thumb, if the contractions are less than five minutes apart, last a minute or more, and continue in that pattern for an hour, you should get to the hospital. But some situations call for getting to the hospital sooner, so be sure to talk to your caregiver ahead of time about what's right for you.

3. Don't get to the hospital too early
Costello hit us over the head with this admonition: Don't head to the hospital the minute your partner goes into labor. If she's dilated to only 1 centimeter, chances are they'll send you home because you have a good ways to go. "Take a walk, go to the mall or a museum, hit the beach, catch a movie — anything to help you take your mind off the contractions," Costello said. "Try not to fixate on the clock. If it happens at night, try to get back to sleep for a few hours." Easier said than done, says my wife.

4. Know what to expect during labor
Forget those TV sitcom images where a woman goes into labor and a baby pops out by the second commercial. It sometimes happens that fast, but only rarely. For most, especially first-time mothers, labor is a journey, not an event. Bottom line: Don't expect this will be over in just a few hours. Every woman's experience is different, but it's helpful to understand that there are three distinct stages of labor:

First stage
The first stage really consists of three phases:

Early phase. This phase typically lasts up to 14 hours or longer, although it's usually considerably shorter for second and subsequent babies. As labor progresses, the contractions get longer and stronger.
Active phase. Often this phase lasts up to six or more hours, although it can be a lot shorter. You should be in the hospital or birth center by now or en route. Contractions are much more intense, last about 40 to 60 seconds, and are spaced 3 to 5 minutes apart. Breathing exercises, relaxation techniques, and coaching are all important now. If your partner is having trouble coping or she's not interested in a drug-free labor, this is when she might opt for an epidural or other pain relief.
Transition phase. This phase can last anywhere from a few minutes to a several hours. It's here that your partner is most likely to swear at you like a truck driver. (Don't take it personally; even women who have coped well up to this point often "lose it" during the transition phase.) Contractions last 60 to 90 seconds and come two or three minutes apart.

Second stage

Pushing and birth. The second stage can last from minutes to hours — the average is about an hour for a first-time pregnancy (longer if she's had an epidural) — and ends with a moment that's made up in equal parts of relief and breathtaking beauty: the birth of your baby. There's a lot to think about during this phase: Do you want to record the birth on video? Will you want to cut the cord? (Be sure to remind your doctor or midwife if you do.) Does your partner want to try to breastfeed immediately after birth? If the doctor or midwife or labor and delivery nurse doesn't make sure that happens, you'll need to be ready to advocate for her.

Third stage

Delivery of the placenta. It's not over yet! This stage, which begins immediately after the birth of your baby and ends with the delivery of the placenta anywhere from one to 30 minutes later, is usually anticlimactic but necessary. Be aware, too, that your partner may get a case of the chills during this phase or feel very shaky. If that's the case, be ready to offer a warm blanket and to hold your newborn while she's regaining her strength.

5. Be an active participant
Costello looked at the half-dozen expectant fathers around the table. "Remember, dads, it's your baby, too. You're a critical part of the process."

In the days and weeks before your baby's due date, make sure both you and your wife are packed for the hospital, including a possible change of clothes, toiletries, and camera or camcorder, and other essentials. If you have a birth plan, you may need to let the labor and delivery nurses know about it (you should have already discussed it with your doctor or midwife).

During early labor, remind your partner to drink plenty of liquids. Pour her a glass of nonacidic juice such as apple juice or pineapple juice, honey and water, an herbal tea, or just plain water to ward off dehydration. Offer her a bagel, yogurt, or something bland — she might not get anything solid to eat at the hospital for many hours after the baby's birth. Finish packing.

When you head to the hospital, drive carefully. This isn't the time for taking unnecessary chances. When you get to the labor room, stick around to provide comfort and support. "The transition stage is not the time to head out for a long lunch," Costello advised. Feel free to bring fruit or other snacks along if it's in the middle of the night.

6. Be an advocate for your partner
The doctor or midwife and nurses are there to make sure your partner and baby do well during labor and birth. But you have a big role in helping your partner get comfortable and in communicating her wishes. You and she also have a big say in personalizing your room. When it's time to rest, soften the lighting. Freshen the smell by taking along aromatherapy balls, potpourri, or scented oils. Bring pictures and your own music. I found a portable CD player in the garage and packed some of my wife's favorite CDs.

7. Know how to play coach
Take your cues from your partner. Some women love having a massage or having their hair stroked during labor. Others don't. And it may be hard to predict ahead of time what your partner will prefer. In any case, try to reassure her that she's doing fine and be ready to help in any way she asks. See more tips on how to be a great labor coach.

8. Be prepared
We watched two videos of vaginal births and one of a c-section. All showed the messy, unglamorous side of labor. Don't be surprised if your baby's skin looks wrinkled or his head is molded into a cone shape, and, in truth, he doesn't even look like a baby.

9. Cut the cord if you want
Today, most dads choose to cut the baby's umbilical cord in the first minutes after birth. "It's your right, but sometimes they forget," Costello said, "so make sure you remind your doctor or midwife."

10. Read further
Costello recommended several books: The Birth Book (Little, Brown, 1994) by William and Martha Sears; Sheila Kitzinger's The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth (Knopf, 1985); Carl Jones's Mind Over Labor (Penguin, 1987); and Pregnancy, Childbirth, and the Newborn: The Complete Guide (Meadowbrook Press, 1991) by Penny Simkin, Janet Whalley, and Ann Keppler. And there's no substitute for exchanging questions or swapping tales with other moms-to-be and expectant fathers. The BabyCenter Community brings together expectant mothers by due date and provides a place for expectant dads to hang out.


Fathering classes: Could you use one?

If you consider how much time we spend learning about our jobs, sports, and hobbies, it's hard to believe how little we prepare for becoming a parent. In prenatal classes my wife and I attended for our first child, now a teenager, the teacher earmarked 20 minutes to talk about the father's role. I knew I wanted to know more about my feelings and the changes I was undergoing, but I had little opportunity to find out how the other expectant dads in the group were feeling.

With nowhere else to turn for male support, I started my own group for new and expectant dads. I drew from my experience as a father, a family therapist, and a participant in a men's group. Now I teach Becoming a Father classes to dozens of men each year at two San Francisco Bay Area hospitals.

One thing I've learned — that I try to communicate to the men in my classes — is that fathering isn't something we all do instinctively. It takes time, patience, and perseverance.

What happens at a fatherhood class?

It's Saturday morning at a hospital in Berkeley, California, and a group of ten men is preparing for the greatest and most important adventure of their lives — becoming fathers! From plumbers to college professors, minimum-wage earners to corporate executives, these men all share the same question: How will fatherhood affect me?

What they discover over the next three hours is that we've all grown up with very little knowledge about how fatherhood will change our lives. And that all new and expectant dads have similar fears and worries.
What do men talk about at a typical class?

Since the group doesn't include women, the men often feel able to talk openly about their feelings — which is a great relief. We begin by talking about the birth process. The biggest concerns men have: I'm afraid something might happen to my partner. I don't know if I will be able to handle seeing her in pain. Can I really be there for her? And how can I deal with a situation I seem to have no control over?

After we talk about these common fears, we watch birth films together. I'm always surprised how little expectant dads know about how a baby is born. For many fathers-to-be these films are their first opportunity to see a birth from start to finish. It stirs up a lot of feelings, especially, "Yikes! Is that what it's like?" But in the end, we all come to the realization of just how amazing childbirth is. And it becomes real for the men that, yes, a baby does come out of there!

When the film is over I bring up the subject of birth plans. I ask the men if they've considered who will attend the birth or whether they should hire a doula for help. The choice is up to them and their partners, but I like to get them thinking about the delivery and how they'd like things to go. Many men, and women, don't realize they have a say in how their child's birth is handled. Some things to consider: How will your partner feel if she needs a cesarean section? What do you think about pain medication? Is circumcision necessary? The questions and concerns keep coming as the men recognize that they're all in this together.

When we talk about the birth process, dads discover what it means to really be there for their partner. You don't need to know every detail about what happens in labor or get a degree in obstetrics. Being present means you're there to fully share the birth experience with your partner. In concrete terms it means you talk to her, comfort her, reassure her, stay beside her throughout labor (if that's what she wants), and respond to her requests.

Childbirth is an extremely profound experience for a couple. Dads are acutely aware that it's only the beginning of a great adventure. The birth opens the door to their new life as a parent. In my fatherhood classes, the men gain perspective from discussing the road that lies ahead. Issues to consider include: How long should I take off work? What do we need to have at home to be prepared for the baby? How do I figure out how to pay the bills and still have enough time to be with my wife and baby? Is there sex after childbirth? I'm worried my wife will be totally focused on the baby and not have any time for me. Do you think we should use cloth or disposable diapers? Is it possible to breast- and bottle-feed? I want to make sure I can care for the baby, too. How long should we wait before relatives can visit? Should the baby sleep in our bed or be in a crib to start? The list goes on and on and all the answers won't come from one three-hour discussion, but the class helps men give voice to their concerns and start the process of making decisions.

Becoming a father is an ancient rite of passage. Sharing vulnerable feelings with other men going through this transition creates camaraderie. But more important, you recognize that your feelings are normal. The opportunity to talk and share in a fatherhood class creates a supportive environment that helps men begin to really feel like they're becoming dads.


Five myths of fatherhood

If you're like most new or expectant dads, you probably have a few assumptions about what it means to be a father. Those ideas are rooted in your experiences with your own father and in what you believe society expects of fathers. Unfortunately, few resources exist to help men address these issues or put common myths to the test. Yet the more you examine and understand your unspoken expectations of fatherhood, the better chance you have of becoming the parent you want to be.

Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that there's only one definition of a "good father." There isn't. You'll craft your own idea of what it means to be a father in a way that meets your needs and the needs of your family — and you'll do it over time. Here are five other commonly held myths:
Myth 1: Only the expectant mother's feelings are important

Your partner's amazing body changes during pregnancy, and the focus on the birth process make it easy to think that her feelings are the only ones that count. Your concern for her physical and mental health is important now and during the postpartum period, but so are your own feelings.

It's easy for an expectant dad to talk excitedly about the positives of becoming a father. It's much tougher to give voice to the equally important — and inevitable — feelings of fear and apprehension. Will I faint at the birth? Will there be medical complications? How will our relationship change? Can I pursue my career and be the father I want to be?

Your partner needs to hear your feelings, and you need to give voice to them. Many men keep their fears about pregnancy and fatherhood to themselves because they don't want to add to their partner's worries. Don't be afraid of burdening her. Most women crave this kind of interaction, and they know that becoming a father brings challenges. Sharing your fears with your wife or partner will bring you closer.

You can also seek out other expectant fathers, read a good book about becoming a father, and attend a fathering class or group for support. Give yourself permission to express both your feelings of vulnerability and excitement. By voicing your concerns during pregnancy and early parenting, you challenge the myth that only your partner's feelings are important and lay the foundation for becoming an actively involved dad.
Myth 2: Newborns don't really need their fathers

The intense connection between your partner and infant — especially if they're breastfeeding — can leave you wondering whether your baby really needs you. Rest assured he does. You're an important person in his life, and being with you is comforting and soothing to him. To bond with your baby, hold, rock, and coo at him, but wait until after he eats so you'll have his full attention. Taking over after a meal also gives your partner a chance to recoup her energy after breastfeeding.

You can help feed your baby if your partner expresses milk into a bottle or if you decide to supplement or replace breastfeeding with formula feeding. And you can help your baby indirectly by helping your partner around the house. Lightening her workload is nurturing for her and allows her more relaxed time with the baby. Remember, you make a difference to the whole family.


Seven fears expectant fathers face


From the moment you learn of your partner's pregnancy, you're thrust into a strange new world and encouraged to participate in the pregnancy and birth process. Yet, you may feel awkward about sharing your fears and insecurities. That's only natural. Here are seven common fears faced by fathers-to-be:
Security fears

The biggest fear men face is the one most deeply hardwired into our culture: Will I be able to protect and provide for my family? In many families when the first child arrives, there's this sudden if temporary shift from two incomes for two people to one income for three. And that's a tough burden to carry in today's world. The father has to be strong in ways he hadn't counted on before. He has to provide support not just financially but also emotionally: His partner will need his help, she'll be undergoing dramatic emotional shifts, and he has to be ready for her to lean on him.


Performance fears

More than 80 percent of the fathers I come across in my practice say they were worried they wouldn't be able to perform when their partner was in labor. They were afraid of passing out, throwing up, or getting queasy in the presence of all those bodily fluids. Such fears may be based on cartoons and sitcoms and our culture's way of making fun of men, but two things became clear: The men all expected it — and it almost never happens. In follow-up interviews, it turned out only one out of 600 men fainted, and that was in August in Fresno (California), and the air conditioning had gone out and two of the nurses had to leave the room, too.

If you really can't tolerate blood, step out of the delivery room. Don't ignore your fears — work through them, talk to other fathers who've been there. Typically, the first thing fathers say when they come out of the delivery room is "The baby and my wife are fine; it's a girl." And the second thing they say is "I didn't get queasy — I came through it okay."
Paternity fears

About half the new and expectant dads I interviewed eventually came around to admitting they had fleeting thoughts that they weren't really the baby's father. But if you ask them whether they suspect that their partner had an affair, they're insulted and hurt. On a logical level, it's a disconnect, but on an emotional level something else is going on. He's dwelling on his own inadequacies: "It's too monumental, too godlike, being part of the creation of life. Someone bigger than me must have done it."

One of the fathers I encountered was this interesting guy with bright red hair, freckles, and a crooked smile. His baby had bright red hair, freckles, and a crooked smile. And he said with a straight face, "I wonder if my wife was unfaithful." But he went on: "It just seemed — I don't know — this was too good, too miraculous to happen to me."

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